Black and White
by A. Nonymous III esq
Summary: In the world of swords and sorcery, Cloud and the rest of the team find their mission to stop the Shinra Empire. Just what happens in this world is up for grabs. Please RR... sweats pleads


Black and White  
  
A. Nonymous III esq.: Welcome, to my new fic! It may not be Alternate Earth, but it should be just as funny. . .  
  
Vincent: That was funny?  
  
AN3: Shut up! I don't want the disclaimer to be long on the first go, so I don't own FF7 characters. Squaresoft does. I only WISH. Well, here we go!  
  
Tifa: Oh God. . .  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"When am I getting paid again?", asked the blond.  
"WHAT THE HELL KINDA QUESTION IS THAT?!", asked the black-haired one.  
"A smart one, regarding you're the employer.", said the one with the red bandanna.  
"Shut up! What's the rule again?!"  
"Don't argue with the guy with a gun for an arm?"  
"Then why are ya'?!"  
"Good point."  
  
There was a kingdom in the north, in a land yet named. Why wasn't it named? Meh. I guess nobody bothered to. . . But yet, this was a time of knights, of princesses, of kings, of swords, of magic, and yes, of beer. Lots of it.  
"Aw, pash another round, mi'dear!", said a drunk, sitting at the bar of a place called, "7th Heaven".  
"I think you've had enough.", said the brunette owner, standing behind the bar.  
"Whatsh eatin' yoush?", said the scruffy drunk, very unsteady on his bar stool. "Y'know a prettyyoung lady like youshshould cherrup. . ." His words were becoming very slurred now, when an evil grin came to his face. "I think I knowhow I could cherr ya' up. . ."  
  
"OW!" He was promptly tossed out of the bar, right on his ass, into the snow.  
"YOU SLAP MY BUM, AND YOU PAY THE PRICE!", she yelled, as red as the drunk.  
"Huh. . .? HEY!" She was waving his wallet in the air.  
"This should be sufficient, for the bar tab you've racked up.", she said. "Thank you for your business, NOW GET THE HELL AWAY BEFORE YOU'RE EATING MY FIST!" She walked back into the bar, and he sulked away after stumbling up.  
"Yeah, I know sshhhee wantsh me. . .", he said, then stumbled off.  
"Another one, Tifa?", asked a guy, still sober at the bar, drinking a shot of vodka straight.  
"They're in season.", said Tifa. "Then again, they're ALWAYS in season."  
"And for good reason.", he said. She shot him an angry look, and then smiled.  
"Your tab is going to get higher the longer you try that.", she said.  
"Well, how about lowering it for this bit of information.", he said.  
"And what would that be?"  
"You're not fooling this guy.", he said. "I may just be a chocobo rancher, but I'm no village idiot."  
"You could sure as hell pass for one."  
"Do you want this info or not?"  
"Hand it over." She slid a pint down the polished wood bar, and he caught the draught, and too a deep swig, then set it down. "Tell me."  
"Okay. . . There's a rumor somethin's goin' down at the castle.", he said, after he was finished.  
"How did you attain this bit of info?"  
"When you're a rancher, you hear a lot out on the plains. Try it sometime."  
"When you own a bar, you get just the same experience. You're trying it right now." He smiled, and took another drink.  
"You see, for years, the kingdom, as much as I know you in particular would hate to have to acknowledge it, has just been entertaining the people for years so they are distracted and don't find any problems in government. Except for the few whose troubles have caught up with them."  
"I've known about it. As a k-  
"Don't say it out loud, trust me. They're not as well loved as they used to be.", he cautioned. "Just keep up as a bar owner. They come in here just to see you, ya' know?" And indeed, a couple men were ogling her. . .enhanced equipment. "Try wearing a looser shirt."  
"Why? It's good for business." He glared at her, and she smiled back. "Now you see my point."  
"Anyway. . .", he continued. "The goal is for these people is to-  
"Stop Lord Shinra?", she said.  
"Very perceptive. . .", he said. "And they plan to infiltrate the castle. Not for an assassination, but as a warning. I'm a bit unclear about their means, but that's about all I know. Are you going to do anything?"  
"Rumors fly around. 99% aren't true, and 1% is false." She went to cleaning a glass.  
"You're nervous."  
"How?"  
"That's your habit."  
"How about butting out be yours?"  
"Because, I wouldn't be Chocobo Billy if I weren't."  
"Well, I wouldn't worry about it.", she said. "I know that-  
"You know something?"  
"Er. . . Just more rumors. . ." She was now cleaning an even larger glass.  
"I see. . .", he said. "Since you aren't going to do anything about it, how about you and I go upstairs? Tifa?"  
  
She was gone.  
  
"Are ya' gonna light the damn fuse, or what?", asked the black-haired man. He, and the blond were standing in the inner gates of the castle, at an empty tower near the windmills that pumped water.  
"Where did we get a bomb in the first place?"  
"'TWAS MY GENIUS!" A woman of about 23 popped out.  
"Jessie?", asked the blond.  
"Yes, Cloud?"  
"I thought you were stuck."  
"GENIUSES DO NOT GET STUCK!", she said proudly. "Now, will you get this gum off my shoe? It's gross. . ."  
"Nevermind. . .", sighed Cloud. "I don't see how lighting a ball filled with ground black rock will explode. . ."  
"Well, gunpowder is so explosive not only due to elemental properties, but-  
"LIGHT THE DAMN FUSE!", shouted the black-haired man.  
"Jesus, ease up Barret. . .", said Cloud. "Where is Biggs?"  
"He lost his bandanna and he's looking for it. Wedge is helping him."  
"Him and his bandanna. . ." Cloud was still rigging the bomb to the tower.  
"He reckons he wins over a lot more ladies with it.", she said.  
"STOP THE SMALL TALK, AND LIGHT THE THING!" Barret refused to calm down.  
"It's set.", said Cloud. He put up his hand, and it glowed, when a small fireball appeared. "I'm gonna light it and-  
"ARE YA' READY TA' KILL US ALL, YOU SPIKE-ASS MORON?! SHOOT ONE OF THOSE, AND WE'RE GONERS!"  
"How else are we gonna light it?"  
"How about a match, duh.", said Barret.  
"Oops. . .", said Jessie. "How much time is on that thing?" She was nervous all of a sudden.  
"Why? The rope in it gives up about two minutes."  
"I LIT IT!"  
"WHAT?!", shouted Barret. "RUN!"  
"AAAAAHHHH!"  
  
In a fiery explosion, the north tower crumbled, and sent down the windmills.  
  
"What was that?" A girl with auburn hair and luminous green eyes was looking straight into the inferno, a basket of yellow roses in hand. Her eyes reflected the light from the fire, and people were just running past her. But she just stood there curiously, with a blank expression.  
  
"GET IN THE WAGON!" The entire demolition team of Cloud, Barret, Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge, ran forward to a wagon filled with hay. "JESSIE! DRIVE!"  
"You got it!" She put on a moustache, and jumped to the front of the wagon, and excitedly put the chocobos in front to action. "HIGH HO SILVER! AWAY!"  
  
"Is she really 23?", asked Cloud to Barret.  
"Don't ask."  
"I did."  
"THEN DON'T EXPECT AN ANSWER!"  
  
"What?" The girl with green eyes was still standing in her place, rubbing her hands together to stay warm, when she felt the ground shake, and a rumble to the ground. Feet were making their way to her.  
  
"GAHK! CAN'T BREATHE IN THIS STUFF!" Cloud stuck his head out, and was gasping for air, out of the hay, and looked to the cobblestone streets, when the wagon had just passed the girl. She looked back, and so did Cloud, and theirs eyes met and they stared, until the snow was so thick you couldn't see her.  
"BACK IN THE HAY!" Barret's hand stuck out, and shoved him back in.  
"AGH!"  
  
"WOOOOOOH!" The team of AVALANCHE had finally left the wagon, a couple minutes later. "COLD!" Biggs was shivering, and he ran into "7th Heaven".  
"What's this place?", asked Cloud.  
"Can't ya' read?! It's Tifa's 7th Heaven!" Barret pointed to the sign above the door, swinging in the cold wind.  
"I knew that. . .", said Cloud. "The name sounds familiar."  
"She's a real knockout.", said Jessie, a little sourly. "And she's temperamental if you hit on her. Trust me, I've seen Biggs get chewed out for it. . ." She walked in, and Wedge ran in after her.  
"Jessie doesn't seem to like her much.", said Cloud.  
"She likes her just fine.", said Barret. "What I think, however, is that she likes you."  
"Huh?"  
"MOVE IN THERE SPIKE-ASS!", yelled Barret. They walked in, expecting to see Tifa, but instead, there was somebody else, and the place was empty.  
"Welcome!", greeted a warm, soft voice. "To Tifa's 7th Heaven!"  
"You're not Tifa. . .", said Wedge. "But it's nice to see you nonetheless if you can cook. . ."  
"Yeah, I know I'm not Tifa. . .", said the girl behind the counter. "But I just got hired here a week ago. I'm Aeris!" She glanced over at Cloud, walking in and kicking snow of his boots. "Who are you?" She recognized him from the wagon. Cloud took this opportunity to impress such a cute girl, by giving her such a. . .unique name.  
"The name's Cloud!", he said proudly. "Cloud Strife!"  
"Wow, what a weird name.", she replied. "Is that foreign?"  
"AHAAA!", laughed Barret. "YA' HERE THAT SPIKE-ASS?! BUT WE ALL KNEW YA' WERE WEIRD!"  
"Shut up, Barret. . .", grumbled Cloud. "Pay up."  
"We 'ave another job.", said Barret. "You don't get paid until your service is complete."  
"WHAT?!", shouted Cloud. "THAT WASN'T THE BARGAIN!"  
"THAT MONEY IS FOR MARLENE'S SCHOOLIN!"  
"Marlene?", asked Cloud.  
"Daddy!" A little girl of about 4 ran to him, and he picked her up over his shoulders.  
"Marlene!", he exclaimed. "Were you nice for Tifa?"  
"Yep!", she said.  
"And how about for this lady here?"  
"Yep! Aeris is nice!", said Marlene. "Who's the spike-haired bozo, daddy?"  
"AHAHAAAAA!", laughed Barret. "I SEE YOU'RE LOVED HERE, CLOUD!"  
"Grr. . .", mumbled Cloud. "Pay me. . . OOF!" A sack of money flew into his lap. But since when is that a bad thing?  
"There!", said Barret, setting his daughter down. "There's your damn gil!"  
"Answer me something Barret. . .", said Cloud. "How did you get a gun for an arm? Or a gun for that matter? You don't see many guns these days. . ."  
"YA' WANNA SEE HOW IT WORKS?! TAKE A STEP CLOSER!", he threatened.  
"Whooaaa! Down big fella! Then, how about Marlene? You were that lucky with a lady?"  
"DON'T INSULT ELEANOR!"  
"CALM DOWN!" Aeris yelled across from the bar to catch their attention. She seemed too quiet for that, so they all snapped to attention. She sauntered over, and put a deck of cards on the table. "How about we all settle this?"  
  
"Stupid cold. . .", mumbled Tifa, coming back from investigating the explosion. "And why didn't Barret tell me that was his plan? He knows it's my duty to. . . AGH! Forget about it. . ." She opened the door to her bar, and hung up her jacket. "Aeris! You can- WHAT THE HELL?!"  
"Hi Tifa!" AVALANCHE was sitting in their underclothes, holding a cards. "Strip poker?"  
"What did I say about challenging customers to strip poker. . .?"  
"It's only okay if I win?"  
"Or cheat. . .", mumbled Biggs. "Man, I wanted to see her panties. . . OW!" Jessie hit him over the head.  
"Pervert. . ."  
"Aeris, I know how much you like to play games but-  
"I won 2,000 gil, and you can have it if you want."  
"DO IT MORE OFTEN!", said Tifa. "YES! Oh, who's this?" She was looking at Cloud, unconscious from all the beer, in his underwear.  
"Him? He sucks at strip poker.", said Aeris. "And he collapsed after eight beers!"  
"Eight isn't bad. . .", said Tifa.  
"I've had twelve!", said Aeris. They all turned and stared at her. "Er. . . three?"  
"Okay!", said Tifa. "You know, you can go home now."  
"I'd love to. . .", said Aeris. "But did you look outside?" You couldn't see two feet out. "And what about all the people scattered out there because of the explosion?" Biggs began whistling nervously. "That means I could get jumped or something."  
"I don't mind if you stay. . .", said Tifa. "I DO have extra rooms. . . But these guys already took those." Her eyes wandered over to the unconscious Cloud. "But I think I have an idea. . ."  
  
"AW MAN!" Cloud and Aeris were walking down the street, south from 7th Heaven. "I wake up with a hangover, and the guys tell me to escort you home. . ."  
"Is that such a bad thing?", she asked him, smiling. He blushed slightly, but returned his thoughts to the present.  
"Damn woman, aren't you cold?", he asked bluntly.  
"Nope! I handle the cold very well. . . Here." She handed him a red scarf from her neck. He wrapped it on eagerly, and resumed rubbing his arms. "Hmm. . .Red's a really nice color for you. . ."  
"Uh. . .Really?" He was blushing even harder.  
"Yeah, but you don't need to be that red.", she said, referring to his bright red blush. He paled up a bit after that. "COME ON!" She skipped off ahead.  
"HEY! WAIT UP!" She saw him catching up, and continued to run.  
"CAN YOU CATCH ME?!" She was running faster.  
"JESUS! HOLD ON!" He could only hear her laughing, and then a scream. "Oh, shit."  
  
"Cloud, Cloud. . .", whispered Tifa to herself. "Why does that sound so familiar?" She was up in her room, beginning to change for bed.  
"HEY TIFA!" Biggs was running up the stairs to her room above the bar. AVALANCHE stayed below. "DO YA' HAVE ANY MORE WHISKEY?! Jessie finished it all and-I AM SO SORRY!" He shielded his eyes from looking, because he was repeatedly hit for even making passes at her. Instead, he noticed her hands moving his hands away from his face.  
"Don't be.", she said all of a sudden in a sultry voice. "In fact, get closer. . ."  
"R-REALLY?!", said Biggs. "I mean. . .OH YEAH!"  
"Biggs. . ."  
"YESSSS!"  
"BIGGS!"  
"Huh?" He was being woken up by Tifa, shaking him.  
"You were talking in your sleep. Something about whiskey and me changing?"  
"Uh. . .NOT HERE! NOPE! NUH UH!", he said nervously.  
"Okay. . .", said Tifa. "Oh, I think Jessie has something to say."  
"What? OW!" Jessie hit him over the head, then took a drink from the whiskey bottle in her other hand. "PERVERT!" She stomped off, and he was about to follow, when he heard Tifa whisper, "Cloud."  
"What about him?", he asked. Tifa didn't expect this.  
"Nothing. . .", she sighed. "He seems a bit familiar, if you ask me. Hey, ya know what. . .?" Biggs thought his dream was coming true.  
"Y-yeah?", he asked, blushing.  
"I'll give you something if you can tell me where he's from."  
"Uh. . .Costa Del Sol?"  
"Too pale."  
"Icicle Inn?"  
"Hates cold."  
"Cosmo Canyon?"  
"Is he in deer skin and singing chants?"  
". . .Nibelheim?" Tifa thought about this, and then neared him. His heart began racing, and she. . .  
"OW!"  
"NOT THERE EITHER!", she shouted. "See ya' later then. . ." She walked back up the stairs, to leave him rubbing his head.  
  
Aeris was still missing.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
AN3: HAH! Yeah well. . . I admit, that was lame.  
  
Tifa: You don't have to tell us that. . .  
  
Cloud: Craptastic.  
  
Barret: *nods*  
  
AN3: Okay, I'm sorry. . . I'll try harder. . . Hmph. Well, that's all I have to say. . . See ya' later!  
  
Tifa: *whispers* Just back away slowly. . . Then run.  
  
AN3: HEY! DON'T TELL THE READERS HOW TO ESCAPE!  
  
Tifa: Readers? There were readers?  
  
AN3: Oh, quiet you. Well, if any of you are out there, I hope you liked it. . . Bye now. . . 


End file.
